The Therapeutic Relationship

When you work with people as I do, one of the most important aspects of that work is the relationship I have with that person.  How I work and what I do are almost secondary to the therapeutic relationship.  That relationship is unique and maybe for some, it is the first time that they have felt heard without  judgment and given space and opportunity to share their issues.

For me, this starts from the moment a client contacts me which is usually by email.  My reply needs to portray sincerity, understanding along with information and an openness of what I do and how I work.  I often suggest an Insight session which is a no-obligation, complimentary phone call and enhances further the therapeutic relationship.

It is for me to listen, ask the right questions, show understanding and establish rapport and a sense of trust with the person in order to put them at ease.  In effect they are speaking to a stranger at the end of the phone about personal issues!

I ensure that what goes on in the conversation is confidential and that whatever is agreed I follow up the next day if not before.  From then, when we meet, it is about welcoming the person, putting them at ease in the environment where we are working and explaining that the working relationship is a two way process.  It is both our responsibility to be honest and that it is fine to say if things have gone off track or could be done better in a different way.

I believe in integrity, trustworthiness and openness.  If I say I will do something I make sure I do it.  In between sessions there is email support and always an opportunity for my clients to get back to me with further questions or concerns.  I am there for them with support, understanding, encouragement, honesty and humour (if needed!).

There may be times when this relationship can be a bit harder to achieve but it is up to me to work at that and to bring it about.  My goal is for my clients to have a positive, rewarding and genuine relationship with me as their therapist as this enhances and supports greater change and results for them.

You can read a bit more about Insight session and hear other’s experiences of our work together:

“Karen’s manner was lovely and all questions answered in detail and with a smile. I can imagine having a very useful 1 to 1 with Karen, but she was (also) excellent in a group environment.”

“Her approach is not only based on her considerable skill, but also on a compassionate platform which enabled me to feel safe and supported at all times.”

“You have such a calm and reassuring manner and your advice and tasks are so clearly explained that I found them easy to follow.”

“Karen is a very pleasant, empathetic and professional practitioner. I would highly recommend her services.”

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Stacking Up Your Resources!

As I write, there seems to be no chance of an Indian summer and with evenings drawing in and temperatures dropping now is the time to boost our resilience.

Our wellbeing and health, whether that is physical, mental or spiritual, is always finding ways to re-balance and restore.  I liken it to a see-saw – when stress or demands start weighing the see saw down, we need to top up and increase our resources to counter balance this weight.

Resources can be both internal and external and we need a mixture of both to maintain our resilience and health as we come into the next part of the year.

We all currently have or do things that boost this store of resilience such as going on holiday, being with family and friends, engaging in hobbies and interests to name but a few.  However, sometimes we need to do more – to counteract the heavy weight of demands.

So what else can you do?

Internal resources refer to the health of your mind and body.  Are you listening to what your body needs?  Are you giving it the best “fuel” that it requires?  Getting enough sleep?  It is so easy to ignore the expertise of our bodies until it gives us a big wakeup call and we come down with a cold or sprain an ankle.  We are then forced to stop and we have no choice but to look after ourselves.

Are we looking after our emotional health as well as we can?  Are you nipping stress in the bud, sharing problems or managing/ prioritising issues?  We know that mind and body are integrated so what affects one will impact upon the other.

Stack up on your external resources by bringing in relaxation time whether that is having a bath rather than a shower, socialise, exercise or declutter.  Give yourself permission to look after yourself.  If something is not working – change it!  Bring in new healthy habits rather than just go along with habits of doing and thinking that no longer bring any benefits.  Treat yourself – a day out with friends, booking a complimentary therapy session, a mini –break.

The resources on the end of your see-saw don’t have to be expensive or time consuming.  Small changes can be powerful.  The most important thing is to remember that you have control over the equilibrium of your see-saw – give yourself permission to balance and you will get through these forthcoming months with more resilience, health and energy.

Have a healthy Autumn!

 

Karen

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Are We Being True to Our Values?

Values and beliefs are two very different aspects of ourselves which warrant being defined in order to understand the role that values play in our lives.

Beliefs are often thoughts that we have said or heard so many times in our heads that we turn them into believing they are true.  They are cognitions, thoughts that may have started many years ago in our childhood or been adopted from others beliefs and we have made them our own. We believe these beliefs to be true with the effect that they influence our decisions and behaviour.

Values, on the other hand, are a measure of what we hold as important or dear to us.  They are not based from past information and are universal so that others can hold the same values as us.  Values motivate us to bring into our lives people, work, tasks, interests that meet our values because they are important to us.

Examples of values are:-

Achievement                     Compassion                       Fairness                            Justice

Honesty                               Integrity                            Independence                  Friendship

Health                                   Ethics                                Fun                                     Humour

Communication                  Wealth                             Love                                     Adventure

 

When we are living our lives by our values then we are content.  Organisations also have values and if they are not congruent with our own then we may feel stressed, dissatisfied, frustrated in that workplace.

People that we meet, the ones that we get on really well with or have a “connection” with, will probably have the same values as ourselves.

Most of the time we don’t stop to think about our values but they are subtly driving our behaviour and motivating us to seek them out.

We are more likely to succeed in our goals and achieve more if we know why our goals are important to us.  Knowing what our goals will bring to us links into our values.  When I am working with clients who want to have a career change, we hone down on what is really important, what is the bottom line, what can’t they live without.  Once we get past the material values of money etc what comes out reflects them as a person – a sense of autonomy, making a difference to others, honesty, open communication to name but a few.  By knowing what is important will help drive the need to seek these out in their next career move thus enhancing satisfaction, content, motivation and passion.

As mentioned we may have many of the same values but what makes us unique is the order of our values, which ones would we prioritise over others? What could we not do without in our lives.

Here is a good exercise that helps priorotise your values by Steve Pavlina and a website that explains about the difference between beliefs and values.

An exercise that I often use is one that looks at what you must in your life, what would be lovely to have and what would be absolute fantasy – download here.  When you have down each area then tick off the ones you currently have in your life.  From there you will be able to identify what is missing and look at how you can bring them back into your life.

If you are feeling frustrated or dissatisfied in some aspects of your life take a bit of time just to check whether you are incorporating your true values into your life.

 

 

 

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One Year on in Full Self-Employment

The World of Self-Employment

A year has passed since I left the NHS after 34 years.  I can’t believe how quickly it has gone!  I already had Red Oak Coaching up and running for the past 12 years but it was always part time along with the hours I worked as an Occupational Therapist in mental health for the NHS.

I had lots of worries about leaving the NHS and working full time in my business.  I was concerned that I might feel really isolated, especially over the winter months, and miss the daily chat/support with my mental health colleagues.  Just having someone sitting alongside you at the desk was often reassuring when things became tough.  As a sole trader it was just me at my desk!  I learnt to engage a lot more on social media sites and to make sure I booked in time for coffee with friends.

Networking has also played a large part in reducing any of my fears of isolation.  Attending breakfast and lunch time events meant I could talk “business” – the aspirations, pitfalls and moans about working on your own.

I also increased my activities and seem to be playing a lot more golf as well as attending exercise classes.  It may come across that it’s all enjoyment and interests, but it is not!

The other worry for me was being structured and motivated throughout the week.  Yes, it was much more tempting in the summer to do gardening when the sun was shining but I have clear goals on what I want to achieve in my business and being part of a women’s business group has kept me on track.

I admit it has not always been plain sailing and there are some days when it is tough to become motivated and keep focussed.  These are the days when I prioritise just three tasks to do and always make sure I go out for a walk during the day.

My biggest concern leaving the NHS was the decrease in money.  I do have less money coming in but I just “cut my cloth accordingly”.  If I have lost out in money I have certainly gained in time, freedom and health.  I have less stress in my life, I choose how I spend my time and if there are deadlines it is because I have chosen them.  It’s a win-win situation.

So one year on in full self-employment and I just love it!  It’s been a step well worth taking and I can only see it becoming better and better with each passing year J

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Bula!

This was the sound I heard most in Fiji.  The sound of hello and welcome from adults and children alike.

I was in Fiji for a two week volunteer project, living and working in a traditional Fijian village and helping out at the local kindergarten.

It was a short flight from New Zealand but the heat slapped you in the face on arriving at Nadi.  It was their winter season but still in the high 20s.

Dratabu, the village where I was staying, was about 10 minutes outside the main town of Nadi.  Nadi itself was a noisy, dusty and busy town full of shop owners encouraging you into their shop and home to the largest Hindu temple in the Southern Hemisphere.

By contrast Dratabu was quiet although a village of 500 people.  The houses were of all shapes and sizes made from concrete and tin.  There was a real sense of community governed by the Chief.  In the morning one of the head men would walk around the village shouting out instructions for the day such as clean the community hall, cut the grass in the cemetery or attend the health screening.

In the village women had to wear sulus ( a type of sarong) with your knees and shoulders covered.  You weren’t allowed to run or wear a heat, so as not to be higher than the chief.

My host family’s house had electricity but no running hot water, no shower (a bucket and bowl instead), no fridge, with cooking done outside on a wood fire.  Food was basic with mainly large quantities of carbohydrates such as rice, taro or cassava with a little meat but very rarely any vegetables.  Fruit was mainly paw paw and pineapple.  Although the house was kept clean there were the biggest cockroaches I ever saw!  I nicknamed them “tippy-tappies” for the sound they made across the floor at night!

The village kindergarten had two classrooms for 4-5 year olds catering for about 34 children.  However they didn’t always attend and may wander in well after 9am. Whilst waiting for everyone to arrive the children would entertain themselves by drawing on individual blackboards.  For some reason they loved my very simple drawings of cats and dogs!  The rest of the morning was very unstructured as there was no national work programme to follow and no specific routine.  Once a week, songs and rhymes were sung along with getting to know the sounds of the alphabet.  The children were divided into about 4 groups and given things to do such as playing with plasticine, threading beads or cutting our pictures.  A mid morning snack was had with the children bringing in from home often huge meals of rice, friend eggs, cold potato chips – again very little fruit or veg.

Ofter this it was play time outside, a beautiful setting with tyre swings and roundabouts and a tree to climb.  Health and Safety went out the window but it was great to see kids just being themselves.

Following this they would come in and have a ten minute rest on the floor before waiting to be collected by their parents.  At times the teacher would cut their nails, send notes to parents suggesting cleaning of wounds or treatment of scabies or to bring a handkerchief as they were full of colds (it was their winter).

For a few days there was a national theme of saying no to drugs and abuse.  The children cut out shapes of hands to stick on lollipop sticks and hand painted a banner.  We then marched with the older children to the community hall where the chief sat alongside guests and proceeded to sit through two hours of speeches.

The best bit was when the Fire Brigade arrived and the children could have a go at sitting on the fire engine.

The children were delightful, exuberate, noisy but often having a short attention span.  There were a few bright kids there but there were no specific development activities for them.

I was able to introduce a few additional activities but in a very simple format.  There is a quite a contrast in educational development between Fiji and Western Europe however Fijian kids have more freedom to explore and run around and be kids.

I found my time in Fiji to be challenging yet interesting and increased my appreciation of what I take for granted such as a mattress, a shower and good healthy food.  I loved the people of Fiji for their friendliness and passion for rugby and hope that their basic health care and education continues to improve for the following generations.

 

 

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Friendliness Down Under

Kia Ora

It was so good to return to New Zealand with my last visit being in 2000.  I had lived and worked there 27 years ago and it still felt like coming home.
The devastation of the Christchurch earthquakes 6 years ago was still very much in evidence in this beautiful garden city.  I cannot begin to imagine the trauma and the perpetual anxiety that people lived through with every consequent tremor.  To date there have been over 10,000 tremors since 2011, luckily most are not noticeable.
On travelling over the to the West Coast of the South Island I went back to where I used to live, Hokitika.  The beauty of the Southern Alps, clear running rivers and the Tasmin Sea was just stunning.  Hokitika has grown from a small town with one roundabout to a larger tourist place promoting their greenstone and scenery.  What hasn’t changed is the friendliness of people.  Everywhere you go – shops, cafes etc people are always willing to chat to you.
Staying up in the North Island in Waikato, wearing a red British Lions shirt always provoked conversation and gentle teasing!  People are interested in you and where you come from, conversations just happen with complete strangers. Once I had a conversation about water buffalo, of which I know very little!
I love the warmth of the Kiwis and although they can be tough in character are always wiling to help and are genuinely welcoming which only enhances my desire to return.
Maybe in the UK we have lost a little of that willingness to engage with others – too busy looking at our mobiles or just in a rush.  We know that a key aspect of good mental health is to engage with others be it fleeting or not.
I’m going to make an effort to keep the friendliness vibe going.  A small exchange of words may make a huge difference to someone’s day.
If you have experienced similar situations in other countries I’d love to hear from you.

Keep smiling and talking!!!

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The Panic Cycle

Over the past few weeks I’ve been working with clients as individuals and in groups who can get caught up in a panic cycle.  I’m not referring to full blown panic attacks or a clinically diagnosed panic disorder but low grade panic/stress that really hampers progress.

When we put off tasks or sit in front of something that we don’t want to do we are in a state of stress/panic and not at our absolute best.  I know that stress can be used in such a way to elicit peak performance as with sports people and performers.  I’m referring to the everyday thoughts and tasks that generate physiological changes in us that stop us doing what we want or even giving up.

A panic cycle related to wanting to lose weight is a great example.  I came across this from The Tapping Summit as explained by Jessica Ortner.

Step 1 – we panic about needing to lose weight

Step 2 – we create pressure and stress with self-criticism

Step 3 – the pressure leads us to take drastic action

Step 4 – after a few days we become tired and exhausted, resentful

Step 5 – we release the pressure by reverting to self-sabotage patterns and give up

And then the cycle begins again!

Although we may not always recognise that we are under stress or in a panic the physiological effects still occur with the release of hormones such as cortisol and adrenalin.

If we can put ourselves in a neutral space in our minds before attempting a difficult or unwanted task, or reduce the intensity of the emotion about something then we are able to think and function at a much more optimum level.

We can get to this neutral space through various ways such as mindfulness, breathing exercises, distraction, relaxation or tapping (emotional freedom technique) to name a few.

I use tapping before I start putting together a monthly newsletter.  At times it can feel like a real effort to know what to include in the content. The “panic” is about will it be good enough? So I sit and tap for a while to bring down the “panic” and put myself in a more comfortable and aware state – and it works!  I still have to do the newsletter but I’m less resentful and stressed about it.

Be aware of the panic cycles you may be in and give your mind and body a chance to come out of that cycle so you can perform even better.

If you have any further suggestions to reduce the “panic” then I would love to hear from you.

 

Warm wishes   Karen

 

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